Love List

Monday, May 25, 2020

When Your Life Explodes During Covid / Quarantine

                                                       Find me on instagram @carleybe 

What a title right? I’ve thought about writing this post for months and finally feel like I have a grasp on words. It’s been really hard to process my relationship ending. 

We were together for almost 3 years, we lived together for 2 of those years, and we owned a 1 year old mini Aussie. He was a coach, I worked at the same University as he did. He was one of the first people I met when I moved and I never thought I would find someone that I loved. I didn' think i was really capable of love honestly. I dated a lunatic in college who stalked me from 2013-2018. And in highschool I dated an amazing kid, but we were literally 18 and had so much growing to do. I think I loved the two people in my past, but it wasn't the same. 

I’ve never had a love quite like this. I’ve never been as open and honest, and I’ve never quite loved like this before. Which is why this ending has been so hard on me. Let me start by saying both of us were not ok. During these three years the state of our mental health slowly deteriorated individually and then our relationship fell apart.

I had worked an insane job which led to stress and anxiety and then I quit which led me down a new path of stress and anxiety while i flipped my business.My now ex pushed me to quit and work for myself because he knew I could, and he knew it would make me happier. Well within those couple of months of me quitting my boyfriend decided to not pay rent on time, or pay for much. I took care of us because I thought we were in this together. 

Needless to say after countless meltdowns I was done. He had done this so many times before. Freaking out because of his anxiety and stress and taking it out on me. The whole time I supported him. Pushing him to finish his bachelors, working hard as a coach, and not complainging about 15 hr work days because we both worked extremely hard for what we wanted. I have no idea where he went, but  between november and march it was like I was living with a different person.

The man I knew and loved had disapeared and I was left to deal with everything. Telling me that because I sought treatment for my anxiety that I should be fine and basically I'm crazy. No guess what I'm not. So after going to the hospital because my anxiety was so bad i was having panic attacks and passing out.... I took my dog and moved out. He took off to Texas during the schools spring break in march and blocked me on everything. 

After many fights via text i had no idea if he was coming back to Arizona or not because of Covid. So I went Back to the Apartment around my birthday in April and he ended up throwing me into a wall and threatening to kill me. After that I called the police and he was arrested. I have never EVER been through something so insane. 

So needless to say I am back in California trying to decide where I wanna be and what I wanna do in the middle of a pandemic. I have no idea where the man I loved went, but that wasn't him. I tried to get him to seak treatment for ptsd, depression, and anxiety and he never would. Even when he himself called his mother to tell her he's not ok and then tells me he's not ok... But no I still won't go the doctor cuz he was too good for that apparently. Or maybe he enjoys feeling out of control. But I don't.

On top of all of this my Alma Mater and Former place of employment OUAZ in surprise Arizona know what he’s done and continue to allow him to coach and work with students. So needless to say with everything that’s happened since covid started. I’m no longer going to stay quiet about the bullshit I deal with from people or companies. If you wanna act shitty then enjoy your tea being out in the open. I am me, will always be me, and being open about my life is part of that. 

All I can do is work and create and keep doing me. If you've ever been through something similar feel free to DM Me. I am always here to talk :). 

Post a Comment